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 Elder Scrolls Jokes

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PostSubject: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:43 pm

Just found this on UESPWiki, some very funny stuff.

Jokes
by Butha Sunhous


"How is your wife," asked Zalither.
"She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth.
"Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?"

"I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen a healer?"
"No, just spots."

A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.
"Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.
"No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."

During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"
"It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."

An elderly Breton met with an contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week."
"Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know."

Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony?
The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk.

What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique?
How to retreat.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.

A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man.
When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guild [sic] and whispered, "It reminds me of sex."
"That's odd," said her guild [sic]. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?"
The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does."

Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night.
"I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you."
"Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."

How do separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy?
With a hammer and tongs.

"This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."
"She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"
"Meow."

What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal?
A dead Wood Elf.

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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:45 pm

I think we've all heard this classic:

Why do Khajiit lick their butts?
To get the taste of Khajiit cooking out of their mouths!

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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:15 pm

Source: http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Jokes
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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:17 pm

Nightblade, Viper mentioned that he found it on the UESP, and provided the title and author of the book. I think that's plenty enough for him to provide. Relax and have a good laugh. ^_^

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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:26 pm

I did have a good laugh, though I have seen them. It's a good pickup. Just giving the site. I repped him up.
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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:33 pm

Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him?
To help in case of a heart attack.

How many Argonians does it take to shingle your roof?
It all depends on how thinly you slice them.

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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:39 pm

Nightblade wrote:
I did have a good laugh, though I have seen them. It's a good pickup. Just giving the site. I repped him up.

I guess that balances the scales for the negative rep I got for the Immortal Blood thread. Neutral

ashxombie wrote:

How many Argonians does it take to shingle your roof?
It all depends on how thinly you slice them.

lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Elder Scrolls Jokes   Sun Nov 06, 2011 6:43 pm

A khajiit, an altmer, and an imperial are climbing up Red Mountain. Suddenly, the ground starts to shift, and the rock they're standing on starts to fall. The Altmer levitates out of the way, and saves himself. The Khajiit springs up onto another rock to save himself. And what does the Imperial do? He tries to persuade the ground not to kill him.


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